...the greatest me.

I can usually trace my maturity and growth in my relationship with God by the presence of a few traits...one of the largest is self-reflection. I'm particularly hard on myself...and honestly, I'm probably not hard ENOUGH on others (that's another entry though)...when I'm growing, I'm constantly picking myself apart and choosing areas to better myself. A struggle I have is that I don't feel like I've ever been mentored in a hand's on way...because there's nobody like me...lol. I have close friends/big brothers/etc. that I glean from in a lot of ways, but when I look at the reality of who I REALLY am...what I REALLY want...I stand alone. I've spent my life trying and failing at simply being myself...because I've looked out at the world at what "made sense" and found my "mentoring" there.

God is pretty funny, because He's never allowed me to be satisfied with what I've found...and it always draws me back to Him. Through this trial and error of closeness and distance, I've discovered who I am, as well as who I'm not. And honestly it's painful, because who I'm NOT will disappoint some people who I value greatly...who I really am will shock and surprise a lot...and I'm finally getting to the point where I don't care. I could be awesome at a lot of stuff...I've been bright and capable my whole life...bright enough that I could always figure out a way around what I should do and capable enough to make it work. It took me getting a bit older and not feeling satisfied with what "others" thought was valuable to say screw it...I DO want to be the greatest...the greatest ME.

For all of us, we were created with a particular thing in mind...regardless of who or what you believe, you're here for SOMETHING. Our #1 job in life is to find out what that is, and execute it to the best of our ability while we're here...now what that entails is getting to know who created you and that purpose...but that's another entry too. It's a sad thing to live an entire life without chasing what you're here to do...I don't have much choice, I've got to be me. Nobody wants to fail, but if I do, at least I'll fail trying to be the greatest me there ever was. There is something the world desperately needs that only you can provide the way you can...it's the beauty of the divine puzzle that somebody (LOL) put together an awful long time ago. We win by playing our position...by simply being that piece...whatever that means. If I get in position...it makes it easier for you to get into yours...and the next person, and so on and so on...that's how the world changes and improves, by people being/doing who/what they're here. What a wonderous journey it is, but I mean we're here...what else do we have to do? LOL

J.

...still catching up but happy

I'm still catching up, my goal is to write an entry a day...we'll see if I can get there.

Something has become pretty apparent to me lately...I'm HAPPY...which is a really great state to be in. I'm not happy because everything in my life is exactly where I want it to be...but overall, I've found the good in what I've been blessed with. I'm notoriously bratty in that I ALWAYS want more...and not always in a positive manner, but I'm really learning to be "content in whatever state I find myself". Hopefully that happiness will lead to my being able to further create the reality I desire...stay tuned.

My weekend was pretty cool after getting over being under the weather (whoever created the "summer flu" should be KICKED). Got plenty done at home, hit the mall (help me Lord), had a really fun Sunday at church and cooked dinner. My beloved Skins lost, but even in the loss, I can see the positive. Things are looking up for us!

Fashion Week just passed...and I'm rather sick of gold chains, 2 or 3 finger rings, mullets, shags, etc...I consider myself to be rather fashion forward...but come ON! LOL

Okay, enough of my random musings for now...I've got some (a LOT) of work to do.

Jay

...understanding

I've been thinking a lot about behavior...by myself and others...and I always get curious about why people act the way they do.

For me, I find myself frustrated with people a LOT for one reason or another...it's the nature of human relationships and one of our greatest sources of education and growth (which is how I think God intended it...but it's also TERRIBLY painful, which is why I believe I shy away from human interaction many times). My frustration is often tempered when I'm faced with other's frustration with me...either my lack of engagement...the odd way I can seem to connect with someone when really keeping them at arm's length...my time-honed method of spending a LOT of time around people even when I would rather not...to which my response is always "but if only you knew WHY I act like this..."

I've heard several times over the years that we are merely the sum total of our experiences...and if this is true, then our interactions with people should be viewed through that lens. EVERYONE has a past, be it positive or negative, and that past colors our present...to what extent is up to us...if we're even aware of it. I'm not saying we need to conduct psychological evaluations on everyone in our lives to determine what their root issues are...but I AM saying that when we encounter an odd or uncomfortable behavior, our dealings would be eased with a simple attempt to consider that SOMETHING made them that way...gave the impression that their behavior was either acceptable or necessary.

Let's be real, NONE of this is comfortable, but humans are messy by nature...life has an uncanny way of depositing things and withdrawing others...some never to be found again. Most of them come in some way through human interaction...and a clearer understanding of those interactions would go a long way towards both protecting ourselves and avoiding doing further damage to others. The statement "hey, I KNOW how I get..." is a mainstay in my vocabulary...and it should apply when dealing with others...it's not to excuse people, but should merely be the entrance into an attempt to apply understanding to our relationships (regardless of the level) with others.

Maybe I'm just idealistic, I just dream of a world where we attempt to deal with each other on a more even and understanding level...maybe we'll find we're more alike than we know...would that be such a bad thing?

Getting Back...

I feel terrible for not blogging for the last week (plus...lol)...I was VERY sick last week and just wasn't up to writing anything. Fortunately, I'm NEVER at a loss for things to say and there are some happenings I have thoughts to share about, I'm just hoping that at some point this week I'll have the opportunity to collect them all.

Today is our "Staff Appreciation" day at work, and the whole office is leaving shortly for a reception and to attend a Washington Nationals game. Seeing my normally "buttoned-up" colleagues in t shirts and jeans is actually pretty funny but this should be a cool day, complete with early dismissal (always a MAJOR FTW!)...which will be necessary because I can almost guarantee that most of the folks here will be way too hammered to work after the game. Either way, I'll catch up with you all (and hopefully my thoughts) shortly.

Peace