...holding on.

I will keep holding on

I believe You are strong enough

To bring me out, of every storm

And I won't lose faith In You,

You are strong enough

To do whatever it takes

Whatever it takes

And I'll, I'll keep holding on to You

And I won't let go

I'll keep holding

I'll keep holding on to You

And I won't let go

Sometimes my problems way me down

And yes my heart gets overwhelmed

But I will hold on

I will hold on

And when I can't control my tears

And when one night seems like a year

I will hold on

I will hold on

And when it seems there is no end

To all the pain and suffering

I will hold on

I'll still hold on

And I'll, I'll keep holding on to You

And I won't let go

I'll keep holding on

I'll keep holding on to You

And I won't let go

I won't let go

I can't let go

Where else would I go

This is from a song by Tye Tribbett from his new album Fresh. I often find myself impressed when an artist is able to channel where they are personally at a particular point in life in a way that translates to the lives of others.

If you follow gospel music, you're well aware of his personal issues and what some would call "moral failures". Due to his hardcore stance on many Christian issues in the past, it's pretty easy to pile on as one being "humbled" by his circumstances, but if we're all honest, we've ALL failed in some major way...if we're fortunate, we haven't had to deal with them in the public eye...but regardless of when/who/what/where/why, the key is "holding on".

If you look at the above picture, it shows a baby holding onto a parent...I'm sure that provides comfort, security, warmth, etc...all the things that we as children receive from holding onto our Father. For me, I've just reached a point where I've experienced God being so ridiculously faithful, that in whatever cirumstance, whether self-inflicted or just life happening, all I can do is hold on.

I trip over things, stumble, fall and sometimes willfully tip over, but I've just been astounded by God's faithfulness.

This is just a quick note of something that's on my mind, but I would simply encourage you all to hold on, regardless of what you face, how you feel, how bad things look, how major your mistake, how monumental your failure...learn the value of holding on...to your faith, to your trust, to your absolute dependence on the God of the universe. He'll NEVER let go of your hand...don't waste your time trying to wiggle away from His.

Jay

"Heart Condition"

...so I'll say this, to whomever...

I remember when I got saved (which has been a LONG time now...LOL) and when I got serious about my faith and how EVERYTHING seemed different.

I was SO sensitive to God's voice, SO sensitive to how His Spirit was moving...I was SO bothered by the negative things in the world...SO offended and disgusted by my own crap...and I got older...and I "learned" more...I got smarter in the faith, but my faith in what I learned gradually diminished. Eventually things just became "normal" to me. People died...kids starve...folks suffer...I sin in a myriad of ways...church is cool, and just someplace I go every week because it's "what I do"...life just is what it is...

...a few years ago, I remember hearing about someone I knew dying...and I specifically recall saying "wow, that sucks"...and moving on with my day. I sat and thought about my reaction...and what it meant for the condition of my heart...well, because out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks (Mat. 12:34)...pay attention to the use of the word "abundance" as it refers to what FILLS the heart (check the Greek). If this is true, we can determine the content by what comes out of it...in this case my words...I was insensitive and cold to the plight of others. Faced with this truth, I was bothered by the idea that I could call myself a believer, serve in ministry and want to see thousands excited about something I wasn't experiencing.

So I did something dangerous...I asked God to make me sensitive again...I wanted to FEEL again...I wanted to CARE. When I sing the song "Hosanna" and sing the line "break my heart for what breaks Yours..." it brings me back to this request.

Funny thing about God is, because He's GOD, when He moves something, He MOVES...over the last few years, I've noticed that I'm bothered by so much...I'm so irritated by things...songs REALLY touch me...watching people suffer really messes with me...gradually, I'm getting my edge back.

I'm saying all this to say, there's something to be said for becoming experienced in God, but it's a dangerous thing to take Him for granted...to take the plight of humanity lightly...to merely accept our own infirmities...fighting the good fight of faith requires actually CARING about the fight. It's definitely a process...but bit by bit we have to fight for every inch of ground in the battle between having the heart of the Father and merely having a heart.

...my lesson for the day

...DO NOT fall asleep in the late afternoon when you have to get up early the next day. Here I am at 2:03am when I have to be at church CRAZY early and I'm not even CLOSE to sleepy. Oh well, I slept plenty so I should be fine (help me Lord!).

So here we are in a new year, and I hope it holds lots of excitement and great things for us all. Mine hasn't gotten off to the most awesome start, and I'm being forced to deal with some new realities for me...but that's what we do, adapt...grow...change...and wherever we land becomes the new normal.

Music Friday...

I've been listening to two songs this morning, so I figured I would share them with you all...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvlW4bEjB5A

...when I was in college, I would sing this to myself while walking to class. Our path's on campus were cobblestone, so it connected for me. LOL

This song is just encouraging...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-PNun-Pfb4

Enjoy

THE little GUY

As you can probably tell, the properly bundled up little gentleman to the left is me. For him, the world was so big and bright...he was so curious and well intentioned...he was a good kid...exceptionally bright and eager. The yard was an adventure, even an old box was exciting...he loved to climb on and under furniture...the world at large was full of mystery and wonder. Every day was filled with discovery and learning. He was enthralled with music. He was a happy child and had a great time exploring his little world...full of life and joy.


Honestly, I'm envious of him, and sometimes I'm overwhelmed with concern for him...because a few short years later, his safe world would fall apart and everything that he felt holding him secure would fail him...although he didn't collapse completely outwardly, on the inside he was shattered. Circumstances happen...and as believers, we all know that they work together for our good (thanks for the reminder Pastor)...but in the midst of all that, life seems to specialize at stealing that joy we have as children. Responsibility, problems and in my case, the collapse of my family structure, conspire to gradually suck the joy...the happiness...the fun...the light from our lives.


For some reason, I'm drawn to these pictures of myself, I keep one where I can see it at work...I often use them as profile pics on Facebook...because I like to look at them and wonder what that little boy was thinking, what he was feeling, what happened to him that day...as if to engage in some strange forensic exercise to trace the steps to the adult I know. Of course, my memory isn't that great and I didn't have a blog to look back on...or Facebook and Twitter statuses to remind me of where I was internally that day...so I often come back to where I am in relation to that little guy. See, I'm quite silly, I love cartoons...especially their theme songs...I can be downright childish at some moments...music brings me SO much joy...so I know he's in here somewhere...deep down, my inner child lives. I miss his curiosity about the world...life can make us so jaded...I miss the ability of a child to trust...people tend to rip that away over the years...I miss the pure intuition and integrity of youth...most of us adults learn to become quite numb and slick to navigate this world.


So...as my act of rebellion, I'm fighting for that little boy...not to absolve myself of the responsibility of being an adult...but to restore to myself the ability to laugh more...to enjoy more...to trust more...to care more.


You know, when I think about it, that little dude would jump from furniture and trees without a care...I think he somehow knew that if nothing else, the ground would always be there to catch him...the adult tends to focus more on the fact that it's very possible that hitting that ground will hurt badly. I guess my hope is that once again, one day I'll be more eager to fly than afraid to fall and be hurt...I owe it to him.

Here's that little one in all of us.


Cheers,


Jason

...been a long time

"...it's been a long time, I shouldnt've left you, without a dope beat to step to..." Man I miss Aaliyah...she was fast becoming one of my very favorite artists.

Morning folks...as you can see, I'm still working on this consistency in blogging...but I'm fighting the good fight. Back at work after a holiday, I realize that I can't wait until I'm working for myself...a long night of NBA 2K11, and I'm dragging a bit in the office...just a few more hours and I would be myself.

My weekend pretty much rocked all the way around...it's great when you get a chance to really enjoy time off...even when you spend 9 hours on a Sunday morning "working".

I had the opportunity over the last few days and weeks to REALLY consider how cool it is that I get to do what I love to do more than anything in the world EVERY Sunday...music is my heart and Jesus is my love. I get to use music to draw people into a closer relationship with God every week with some of my favorite people in the entire world. I'm REALLY grateful for that...as frustrated as I get sometimes, there are people who work their entire lives and would give their left arms to do what I've been graced to do for years. It has nothing to do with any talent of mine...it's simply God moving in my life...and if He doesn't do anything else with mine (yes, this is a cliche), what He's done thus far is AMAZING. I'm as broken, flawed, messed up, etc. as someone can be...but I'm a great example of what can happen by just being willing. Either way, I should say thank you more, but I'm really thankful for what I do...even the 6:45AM call time...LOL.

As I get older (yes, I'm approaching ANOTHER birthday)...I'm truly learning to be content but not complacent...some cool things are on the horizon for me, and I'm going to be working my tail off to move forward over the next few years but I'm a pretty happy dude.

Life isn't so bad after all.

...the greatest me.

I can usually trace my maturity and growth in my relationship with God by the presence of a few traits...one of the largest is self-reflection. I'm particularly hard on myself...and honestly, I'm probably not hard ENOUGH on others (that's another entry though)...when I'm growing, I'm constantly picking myself apart and choosing areas to better myself. A struggle I have is that I don't feel like I've ever been mentored in a hand's on way...because there's nobody like me...lol. I have close friends/big brothers/etc. that I glean from in a lot of ways, but when I look at the reality of who I REALLY am...what I REALLY want...I stand alone. I've spent my life trying and failing at simply being myself...because I've looked out at the world at what "made sense" and found my "mentoring" there.

God is pretty funny, because He's never allowed me to be satisfied with what I've found...and it always draws me back to Him. Through this trial and error of closeness and distance, I've discovered who I am, as well as who I'm not. And honestly it's painful, because who I'm NOT will disappoint some people who I value greatly...who I really am will shock and surprise a lot...and I'm finally getting to the point where I don't care. I could be awesome at a lot of stuff...I've been bright and capable my whole life...bright enough that I could always figure out a way around what I should do and capable enough to make it work. It took me getting a bit older and not feeling satisfied with what "others" thought was valuable to say screw it...I DO want to be the greatest...the greatest ME.

For all of us, we were created with a particular thing in mind...regardless of who or what you believe, you're here for SOMETHING. Our #1 job in life is to find out what that is, and execute it to the best of our ability while we're here...now what that entails is getting to know who created you and that purpose...but that's another entry too. It's a sad thing to live an entire life without chasing what you're here to do...I don't have much choice, I've got to be me. Nobody wants to fail, but if I do, at least I'll fail trying to be the greatest me there ever was. There is something the world desperately needs that only you can provide the way you can...it's the beauty of the divine puzzle that somebody (LOL) put together an awful long time ago. We win by playing our position...by simply being that piece...whatever that means. If I get in position...it makes it easier for you to get into yours...and the next person, and so on and so on...that's how the world changes and improves, by people being/doing who/what they're here. What a wonderous journey it is, but I mean we're here...what else do we have to do? LOL

J.