...my lesson for the day

...DO NOT fall asleep in the late afternoon when you have to get up early the next day. Here I am at 2:03am when I have to be at church CRAZY early and I'm not even CLOSE to sleepy. Oh well, I slept plenty so I should be fine (help me Lord!).

So here we are in a new year, and I hope it holds lots of excitement and great things for us all. Mine hasn't gotten off to the most awesome start, and I'm being forced to deal with some new realities for me...but that's what we do, adapt...grow...change...and wherever we land becomes the new normal.

Music Friday...

I've been listening to two songs this morning, so I figured I would share them with you all...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvlW4bEjB5A

...when I was in college, I would sing this to myself while walking to class. Our path's on campus were cobblestone, so it connected for me. LOL

This song is just encouraging...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-PNun-Pfb4

Enjoy

THE little GUY

As you can probably tell, the properly bundled up little gentleman to the left is me. For him, the world was so big and bright...he was so curious and well intentioned...he was a good kid...exceptionally bright and eager. The yard was an adventure, even an old box was exciting...he loved to climb on and under furniture...the world at large was full of mystery and wonder. Every day was filled with discovery and learning. He was enthralled with music. He was a happy child and had a great time exploring his little world...full of life and joy.


Honestly, I'm envious of him, and sometimes I'm overwhelmed with concern for him...because a few short years later, his safe world would fall apart and everything that he felt holding him secure would fail him...although he didn't collapse completely outwardly, on the inside he was shattered. Circumstances happen...and as believers, we all know that they work together for our good (thanks for the reminder Pastor)...but in the midst of all that, life seems to specialize at stealing that joy we have as children. Responsibility, problems and in my case, the collapse of my family structure, conspire to gradually suck the joy...the happiness...the fun...the light from our lives.


For some reason, I'm drawn to these pictures of myself, I keep one where I can see it at work...I often use them as profile pics on Facebook...because I like to look at them and wonder what that little boy was thinking, what he was feeling, what happened to him that day...as if to engage in some strange forensic exercise to trace the steps to the adult I know. Of course, my memory isn't that great and I didn't have a blog to look back on...or Facebook and Twitter statuses to remind me of where I was internally that day...so I often come back to where I am in relation to that little guy. See, I'm quite silly, I love cartoons...especially their theme songs...I can be downright childish at some moments...music brings me SO much joy...so I know he's in here somewhere...deep down, my inner child lives. I miss his curiosity about the world...life can make us so jaded...I miss the ability of a child to trust...people tend to rip that away over the years...I miss the pure intuition and integrity of youth...most of us adults learn to become quite numb and slick to navigate this world.


So...as my act of rebellion, I'm fighting for that little boy...not to absolve myself of the responsibility of being an adult...but to restore to myself the ability to laugh more...to enjoy more...to trust more...to care more.


You know, when I think about it, that little dude would jump from furniture and trees without a care...I think he somehow knew that if nothing else, the ground would always be there to catch him...the adult tends to focus more on the fact that it's very possible that hitting that ground will hurt badly. I guess my hope is that once again, one day I'll be more eager to fly than afraid to fall and be hurt...I owe it to him.

Here's that little one in all of us.


Cheers,


Jason

...been a long time

"...it's been a long time, I shouldnt've left you, without a dope beat to step to..." Man I miss Aaliyah...she was fast becoming one of my very favorite artists.

Morning folks...as you can see, I'm still working on this consistency in blogging...but I'm fighting the good fight. Back at work after a holiday, I realize that I can't wait until I'm working for myself...a long night of NBA 2K11, and I'm dragging a bit in the office...just a few more hours and I would be myself.

My weekend pretty much rocked all the way around...it's great when you get a chance to really enjoy time off...even when you spend 9 hours on a Sunday morning "working".

I had the opportunity over the last few days and weeks to REALLY consider how cool it is that I get to do what I love to do more than anything in the world EVERY Sunday...music is my heart and Jesus is my love. I get to use music to draw people into a closer relationship with God every week with some of my favorite people in the entire world. I'm REALLY grateful for that...as frustrated as I get sometimes, there are people who work their entire lives and would give their left arms to do what I've been graced to do for years. It has nothing to do with any talent of mine...it's simply God moving in my life...and if He doesn't do anything else with mine (yes, this is a cliche), what He's done thus far is AMAZING. I'm as broken, flawed, messed up, etc. as someone can be...but I'm a great example of what can happen by just being willing. Either way, I should say thank you more, but I'm really thankful for what I do...even the 6:45AM call time...LOL.

As I get older (yes, I'm approaching ANOTHER birthday)...I'm truly learning to be content but not complacent...some cool things are on the horizon for me, and I'm going to be working my tail off to move forward over the next few years but I'm a pretty happy dude.

Life isn't so bad after all.

...the greatest me.

I can usually trace my maturity and growth in my relationship with God by the presence of a few traits...one of the largest is self-reflection. I'm particularly hard on myself...and honestly, I'm probably not hard ENOUGH on others (that's another entry though)...when I'm growing, I'm constantly picking myself apart and choosing areas to better myself. A struggle I have is that I don't feel like I've ever been mentored in a hand's on way...because there's nobody like me...lol. I have close friends/big brothers/etc. that I glean from in a lot of ways, but when I look at the reality of who I REALLY am...what I REALLY want...I stand alone. I've spent my life trying and failing at simply being myself...because I've looked out at the world at what "made sense" and found my "mentoring" there.

God is pretty funny, because He's never allowed me to be satisfied with what I've found...and it always draws me back to Him. Through this trial and error of closeness and distance, I've discovered who I am, as well as who I'm not. And honestly it's painful, because who I'm NOT will disappoint some people who I value greatly...who I really am will shock and surprise a lot...and I'm finally getting to the point where I don't care. I could be awesome at a lot of stuff...I've been bright and capable my whole life...bright enough that I could always figure out a way around what I should do and capable enough to make it work. It took me getting a bit older and not feeling satisfied with what "others" thought was valuable to say screw it...I DO want to be the greatest...the greatest ME.

For all of us, we were created with a particular thing in mind...regardless of who or what you believe, you're here for SOMETHING. Our #1 job in life is to find out what that is, and execute it to the best of our ability while we're here...now what that entails is getting to know who created you and that purpose...but that's another entry too. It's a sad thing to live an entire life without chasing what you're here to do...I don't have much choice, I've got to be me. Nobody wants to fail, but if I do, at least I'll fail trying to be the greatest me there ever was. There is something the world desperately needs that only you can provide the way you can...it's the beauty of the divine puzzle that somebody (LOL) put together an awful long time ago. We win by playing our position...by simply being that piece...whatever that means. If I get in position...it makes it easier for you to get into yours...and the next person, and so on and so on...that's how the world changes and improves, by people being/doing who/what they're here. What a wonderous journey it is, but I mean we're here...what else do we have to do? LOL

J.

...still catching up but happy

I'm still catching up, my goal is to write an entry a day...we'll see if I can get there.

Something has become pretty apparent to me lately...I'm HAPPY...which is a really great state to be in. I'm not happy because everything in my life is exactly where I want it to be...but overall, I've found the good in what I've been blessed with. I'm notoriously bratty in that I ALWAYS want more...and not always in a positive manner, but I'm really learning to be "content in whatever state I find myself". Hopefully that happiness will lead to my being able to further create the reality I desire...stay tuned.

My weekend was pretty cool after getting over being under the weather (whoever created the "summer flu" should be KICKED). Got plenty done at home, hit the mall (help me Lord), had a really fun Sunday at church and cooked dinner. My beloved Skins lost, but even in the loss, I can see the positive. Things are looking up for us!

Fashion Week just passed...and I'm rather sick of gold chains, 2 or 3 finger rings, mullets, shags, etc...I consider myself to be rather fashion forward...but come ON! LOL

Okay, enough of my random musings for now...I've got some (a LOT) of work to do.

Jay

...understanding

I've been thinking a lot about behavior...by myself and others...and I always get curious about why people act the way they do.

For me, I find myself frustrated with people a LOT for one reason or another...it's the nature of human relationships and one of our greatest sources of education and growth (which is how I think God intended it...but it's also TERRIBLY painful, which is why I believe I shy away from human interaction many times). My frustration is often tempered when I'm faced with other's frustration with me...either my lack of engagement...the odd way I can seem to connect with someone when really keeping them at arm's length...my time-honed method of spending a LOT of time around people even when I would rather not...to which my response is always "but if only you knew WHY I act like this..."

I've heard several times over the years that we are merely the sum total of our experiences...and if this is true, then our interactions with people should be viewed through that lens. EVERYONE has a past, be it positive or negative, and that past colors our present...to what extent is up to us...if we're even aware of it. I'm not saying we need to conduct psychological evaluations on everyone in our lives to determine what their root issues are...but I AM saying that when we encounter an odd or uncomfortable behavior, our dealings would be eased with a simple attempt to consider that SOMETHING made them that way...gave the impression that their behavior was either acceptable or necessary.

Let's be real, NONE of this is comfortable, but humans are messy by nature...life has an uncanny way of depositing things and withdrawing others...some never to be found again. Most of them come in some way through human interaction...and a clearer understanding of those interactions would go a long way towards both protecting ourselves and avoiding doing further damage to others. The statement "hey, I KNOW how I get..." is a mainstay in my vocabulary...and it should apply when dealing with others...it's not to excuse people, but should merely be the entrance into an attempt to apply understanding to our relationships (regardless of the level) with others.

Maybe I'm just idealistic, I just dream of a world where we attempt to deal with each other on a more even and understanding level...maybe we'll find we're more alike than we know...would that be such a bad thing?